Friday, December 12, 2008

An open letter to Mats Sundin

I've tried to avoid hockey talk on this blog, but every now and then a moment so momentous, so stupendous and monumental arrives and transcends time and space*, not to mention sports. That time is now. Well, maybe. Apparently former Maple Leafs captain Mats Sundin has said that he will make a decision on his hockey future by December 15th. One hopes that he is using the same calendar as the rest of us, although that is still a bit unclear given all the other deadlines that have passed.

[side note: As the late Douglas Adams used to say, "I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by." If you say, 'who is Douglas Adams?', I say, 'those are fighting words', but I digress.]

So, with Mats about to make a decision I thought now was the time to act. Mats... Mr. Sundin... o' Captain my Captain... Mattie S... whatever you prefer, have I got an offer for you! How would you like to come and play for my beer league hockey team, Odelay HC? We currently have an opening for a centreman as one of ours is on the IR recovering from a knee injury.

You would be a fine addition to our noble and proud squad and would significantly boost our size, scoring, speed and Swedishness. No, our offer can't touch Vancouver's $10 million dollars per season, or compete with the bright lights of Broadway or the scathing hatred of the Philly fans. But what we can offer is a vaguely Euro sounding team name, an easy travel schedule with games always at the same location, not to mention a rink that is close to Yorkdale Shopping Centre in case you need to do any pre-grame shopping for the wife.

Furthermore, we offer you a chance to compete for a championship, as O-HC is in the thick of it this season. Finally, to sweeten the pot, we are also prepared to offer 1-2 post game beers, free stock tips, a Visa card with a low introductory interest rate and all the Allan Candy you can eat.

And no worries, I'm sure we can work something out so you get the #13 jersey. We're prepared to wait for you, big guy, but not forever. This offer is valid until December 20th and then we'll have to move on and explore other options - I hear Sean Avery might be looking for a place to skate, as is the great Claude Lemieux.

Hopefully you will consider us along with your other offers. If it doesn't work out for you and Odelay HC, I'd like to wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours.

* That reminds me of one of my favourite, all-time movie quotes:

Vivian Jaffe: Have you ever transcended space and time?
Albert Markovski: Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you know what movie that is from? 20 points for the first five people who guess it correctly starting... now.

1 comment:

Dog's Breakfast Media said...

Mats - it's actually an opening for a third line checker but we can move some people around to play you at centre if you like.